The Sweet Devastation of a look

I recently found this blog while rummaging through some old emails.  What a lovely surprise to be able to look back at some things happening when the kids were little.  There is a a bit of synchronicity to it as well, as something happened last weekend that struck me as something that I needed to write about. 
We were driving to my sister's house for our mother's day event.  We all had our devices out and were jamming to our own music through our headphones when I noticed something.  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my 10 year old, Jack, just sitting there watching me drive.  It was the kind of watching that I catch sometimes where I feel he is looking for cues, or clues, perhaps about how to be a grown man.  Perhaps, just wondering what I am thinking.
 Maybe just looking up to me the way I used to with my own dad.  I remember watching my dad, trying to figure out how a grown up man does things, faces the world, reacts to adversity.  Hoping to be strong and fearless and kind and caring. 
I could feel Jack's love for me in that moment.   I could see his careful study, his admiration, his deep connection to his father.  His yearning for understanding of and guidance through a complex world. 
In that moment as my heart swelled with joy and love and pride, I felt a sense of responsibility.   The one that is always there, now hyper present, confronting me.  I felt the dread and sadness at the realization that I am failing him in a thousand ways every day.  And the hope that those failings are outweighed by the successes. 
All of this in a fleeting moment before I inevitably turn to him, smile and reach out to pat his leg as if to let him know how deeply my feelings run and how mutual is the admiration. 
Son, I hope, as you grow and mature and start to realize that I am a flawed man, that you know I Love you more than you could possibly imagine,  that I did the best I could always and that I never lost sight of the immense responsibility that was gifted to me. 

Things Heard Around the House

I want my Lightning the Queen, dad. J
I'm a little tea pot short and stout here is my sandal here is my spout. J
There's Trek, dad. ( a big green ogre) J
it's Toooow mater. J
hey big daddy the boeuff. K
Buzz Wipe Year.J
The Chick Monks.K

Kids Say the Cutest Things

I have been meaning to blog for awhile now. Time just seems to slip away. K is already getting ready for Kindergarten. We went for a walk around and tomorrow we go again for some kind of orientation. Then they announced that we won't find out if she gets in until the week school starts. She missed the deadline by a whopping 4 days. What do you do with that? Can't make other plans in case she gets in. Who knew school would still s*^k when you are an adult.

lately, my kids have been singing a Nirvana song. It took me awhile to figure out that it was Nirvana, so think of the tune to In Bloom as you read these lyrics. They sing it like this,'here's the song, and you like to sing along, but you know what what it means'. Cracks me up thinking of my little ones rockin out to some major teen angst rock from the 90's.

J and K and I were reading in bed before night time and J looked out the window and said" sun's coming down, daddy". Thought that was cute. He also says that he is " mad with K, dad" "I'm mad with K, dad"

I love it.

The Things They Say and Do

Lately I have been taking the time to really breath in the experience of rocking J at bedtime. I know the time is coming when it will turn into just a tuck in at bedtime. I have been thinking about how little time is left when he can just fit on my lap with his little head on my shoulder as we cuddle just before bedtime. It makes me realize how much I really love it. Sometimes I just take a deep breath through the nose to smell his baby smell that is too quickly turning into a big kid smell.

K went for shots this week. I called to find out how she did. The conversation went something like this. "How'd you do sweetheart?" "Well, daddy, I cried a little. Then I decided to suck on the sucker that the girl gave me. The girl who shot me." What do you say to that? I just smiled.

Yesterday we Skyped grandpa H. The kids were excited and were just trying to think of things to say. K decided to tell a joke. She said "knock knock" " who's there" came the reply. "Bum" Now I'm thinking there is a hiney joke in here somewhere since that is what she calls it. "bum who" from Grandpa. "you're bumming me out grandpa" was the reply. totally caught N and I by surprise. where did she get that from? We busted out laughing and all ended up giggling for a few minutes. Grandpa indicated that he had heard that a time or two from N and we all laughed some more.

I Love That

I love that K thinks there are mashed potatoes inside her french fries.
I love that the price for leaving the house is at least one hug and one kiss from each of my kids.
I love that J literally runs and jumps into my arms with excitement when I come home from work.
I love that K will drop everything she is doing and say "Daddy?" 'yes honey' " I love you"
I love that it breaks my wife's heart to have to take our kids to get shots knowing that shots are a good thing for them.
I love that sometimes the kids will say that 'right now' is their favorite part of the day when I ask while snuggling before bedtime.
I love that my wife knows I think she is awesome, even when we fight about stupid things, like money.
I love that the kids want to snuggle in front of the TV sometimes.
I love the mischievous look J gets in his eyes sometimes.
I love that J thinks anyone in race leathers and a helmet is me.
I love that a kiss fixes most ailments.
I love how it feels on family days.
I love that my wife gets us moving when I would probably stand still.
I love that there is a belief that I can fix anything, despite the fact it's smashed to smithereens.
I love the sense of national pride I feel during the Olympics.
I love that my kids will eat most things, or at least try them.
I love that I have such a great family.

The more things stay the same

Twenty years ago I can remember being at a Grateful Dead concert. I was young, had no responsibilities, was adequately altered and enjoying myself considerably. I remember watching the spinners while listening to Jerry and the boys work their musical magic. I thought, it doesn't get much better than this.

This past weekend I was at home with my kids. We had the tape (yes I still have tapes) of the concert playing. K and J and I were dancing in the living room together. K said " I am your princess daddy". I said " You sure are". She said " you can be my prince" as she grabbed my hands to dance.

Although I have considerably more responsibilities and worries now, I stood there watching them spin to the music for a moment. J loves spinning to music. I thought, Man, it doesn't get any better than this.

Busy Life

K went to grandma's house for the weekend. I always call to say goodnight when she is there. This particular time I happened to be at my friends house and their boy wanted to say hello to K on the phone. I told her that he wanted to talk and here is the response I got.
"Ok daddy, I can talk for just a few minutes. Then I have to finish my painting for the talent show. I can't talk ALL night."
she frequently puts on talent shows for the grandparents when she visits.

Anything Better?

Is there anything better than your kid saying....." Daddy.....I love you so much"

Two of my favorite J sayings.

"it's too Haavy Daddy" 'heavy'

" Not too Moch" 'much'

Mini Vacation

N and I took the kids to Holiday World this week while I was home on vacation. We had a really good time. Very family oriented placed. Clean too.

The first day we spent at the water park. K was so brave. She went with me on the big water slide. The second day we spent on the rides. J went on his very first ride. He is such a big boy. K didn't ride any rides until she was 2 but J didn't bat an eye at his first ride. Of course, he had his big sis there for comfort and safety.

It is so great to see them together. They love each other so much. Very sweet.

Good Mini Family Vacation together. I love you all very much.

All The World's A Stage

My wife was out of town last week. I had to take K and J to pick out eyeglasses for K. I knew it would be challenging since all the glasses are on racks from floor to ceiling. I had to be on my toes to make sure J wasn't destroying the place while paying close attention to my instructions regarding what was an OK style for K. Well, at our third stop all our nerves were getting frazzled. Especially mine. The Technician was very understanding and helpful. She put K at a small table with several pairs of glasses to try. there was a round mirror at the table. K put on the first pair. She took one look at herself in the mirror and immediately broke out in song. she treated the half dozen patrons and staff to a complete rendition of Animal Crackers In My Soup. Everyone just sort of stopped for a minute and listened and watched. The accolades she received for her performance spurred her into a sweet version of He's Got the Whole World in His Hands. I had to interrupt so we could look at more glasses. If she doesn't become an actress when she grows up then I will be completely shocked. Jack was quite good despite all the temptations and was content doing laps around the office. It was a fun experience despite my anxiety about having to do this task with both kids in tow. I was very happy when N returned. Single parenting is hard.

J's words are coming along nicely. We opened a book tonight to read and he immediately pointed to an animal on the page and said moooose. It was, amazingly, a moose. How did he know that? N and I have caught him on a couple of occasions counting. I guess that will make two kids who are smarter than me pretty soon. We have been working on manners. Trying to teach him to say please and thank you. Stuff like that. He says please in the sweetest way. You can't deny him after hearing it. I am such a sucker. Unfortunately, he gets the most practice saying sorry to his sister. He is definitely all boy. Fearless and very Physical.

I sometimes say "Hello Bayba" in a deep voice to him and K. He has started saying "Hi Bay Bee" back to me. Very cute.

We had a nice, wet, party on the fourth with lots of good friends over. I think everyone had fun in spite of the rain. I know I did. K calls it the July birthday. Happy Independence day everyone.

K asked me today if I would do her a favorite. Just thought that was funny. One, that she would ask me for a favor, and two, that she would call it a favorite.

Three or Thirteen

Is my daughter really only three?
We went to the optometrist for an eye check up. While we were waiting for the doctor to come back in she informed us that we needed a check up and that she was the doctor. My wife went first. She received a thorough exam complete with pictures of her insides. K has never even gotten an X-ray before!?
After completing our exams we were looking at pictures on the wall and found some dolphins. K said "Dolphins aren't fish Dad, they're mammals". That's right, my Three year old said that. I looked at N and she looked back at me as stunned as I was.
I guess I better go study now, so I can stay ahead.
Proud father.

Sweet Voices

Sometimes, I close my eyes and just listen to your sweet laughter and voices as you play in another room. I know it won't last forever, so I try to savor it as I listen in. I know you will grow and the sounds will change. I wish I could have a recording to play when you are grown. I suppose I do in the video that we have taken along the way. I love you two so much! Sometimes I can't even believe how much.

Sweet Moments

A stranger's smile when he sees you walking next to your son, who's little legs are flying to keep up with his body as he leans into his walk. Makes you step out of your reality and realize he won't always be this little and curious, walking aimlessly checking out every irregularity in the sidewalk while you wait for your daughter to finish dance class.

A very sweet girl slipping into your room and up to your bed saying "Daddy........the clouds are awake" at the first sign of the morning light.

Lying in your daughters bed reading goodnight books and she says " Are you Kidding Me?"

Telling your little one "We'll see" at their request for treats right after breakfast only to have them say "What do we have to see daddy?"

A Childs View

Daddy got a new camera, so K just had to create with the old one. I gave her free rein for an afternoon with just a few pointers to get her started. At one point she said "I got you right in the knee, daddy". I love the finger over the lens too.

Snow Day

We got just under 13 inches of snow last night. That pretty much shut down our town for the day. Even the University closed today for the first time in 30 years. We couldn't get out of the neighborhood most of the day due to a pretty steep hill that was covered in snow. They didn't come to plow until the afternoon because they were focusing on the main roads. Needless to say I was forced to take the day off work. It was the nicest day. Yeah, I shoveled snow for about three hours but it was still great to hang out with my family all day with nothing to do. We built a nice fire in the fireplace and just enjoyed being at home with no agenda.
K and J and I got all our gear on to go out and play in the snow. Turns out J doesn't really like being bundled up to the point where he looks like the kid in Christmas Story who can't put his arms down due to the amount of clothing he has on. So he didn't last too long. just a quick ride on the sled. Then he went back in to hang with Mom. K and I played for a long time. We cruised on the sled, ate snow, made snow angels, had a snowball fight, made tracks in the snow and generally had a nice time. At one point I was lying in the snow looking up at the sky with K. She was eating some snow and shared with me. Then she got a mischievous look in her eye, picked up some snow and rubbed it on my nose. We both laughed for a moment. When I got it wiped off we made up by rubbing noses together. We played some more, knocking each other down and generally having fun. She is a remarkable person. We even helped a neighbor round up their dog who was loose. When we got in Mom had some hot chocolate and had lunch ready for us.
I learned today that the thing in the kitchen that keeps our food cold is called a fridgeelator. I also learned that K--- spells Me. :)
We started to learn how to count in French. She has a tremendous capacity for learning and picked it up pretty quick.
At dinner J made me laugh so hard I nearly fell out of the chair. He was trying to say milk and kind of got stuck on mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. All the while looking at N with the cutest look. He was trying so hard and it tickled me. Then as we were all laughing he was looking at N with the cutest little smile. All of sudden he shifted his eyes to me without turning his head and we all cracked up even more. It was just one of those moments you don't want to forget but that is very hard to describe. It was more theatrical than anything and that made it so funny. It was almost as if he was performing for us.
Just a good day overall.

2 Things 2 Remember

The funniest thing happened this weekend. N has been trying to get all the requirements necessary to the state so that she can take her license exam. This has been a very difficult and frustrating thing that has taken over six months to accomplish and who knows how many hours. She got the letter in the mail on Saturday saying that she finally had gotten them all they need to approve her for taking the test.
We were standing in the kitchen while she read the letter and announced that she was finally approved to take her test with much relief and excitement in her voice. K and J were in the living room playing. I was telling her how great that was. Then I said " Good Job Babe!" as I patted/smacked her on the rear. I didn't realize that K was entering the kitchen to see just what all the excitement was about. She then proceeded to walk up to N and said "Good Job Babe!" as she smacked my wife on the rear.
I was laughing so hard that I had to leave the room. All N could do was laugh too, as did K. What a little sponge. She is too quick for her dad, that's for sure.

I love it when we read books before bed. It is such a wonderful time to cuddle and connect and read together. Sometimes if I turn the page to quickly K will say "no, no, no, I want to think about it for a minute" as she reaches up to turn back the page.
I think that is so incredibly cute. I am amazed at how articulate she is sometimes.

A Childs Christmas

Is there anything more precious than a child at Christmas?
This was the first Christmas that K really understood what was going on and she did not disappoint. She was so fun decorating the tree. She broke several ornaments and her reaction was so very cute. Then grandpa broke one and her reaction was priceless.
She was asking everyday for weeks if it was Christmas yet. Finally, on Christmas Eve we were writing a letter to Santa and leaving some cookies and milk for him and carrots and sugar for the reindeer. She left about 8 cookies for Santa to eat. I guess she wanted to make sure he didn't go away hungry. I read the letter to her and asked if there was anything else we should say in it. She looked at me and said "Merry Christmas" with the cutest little impish grin. Then she said "Love mommy daddy K and J......... and a dog named molly". so that is what we wrote.
I rounded the corner Christmas morning just as she was coming out of her room. She had this look of curiosity on her face as if she wasn't sure whether it was me or Santa that she would encounter. She asked me if Santa had come. She had the most amazing twinkle in her eye as she rounded the corner to see all the presents under the tree. It reminded me of the pure excitement I used to feel as a child on Christmas morning. I could feel it emanating from her.
I am very thankful for the opportunity to see Christmas once more through the eyes of a child. What a gift from a beautiful little girl. You don't even know what gifts you and J give me daily.
Thank you for a terrific Christmas.
I Love you and J and Mommy so much.

Perspective

Life is so funny. We work all of our adult lives towards our careers. It starts in college. Becoming important, working towards being respected in our fields. We move on to work and start slowly, working small deals and forging ahead. We gradually move up to larger ones and project leaders, senior management and so on. Sometimes we get to feeling like we are oh so important and indispensable. Sometimes that our jobs are the most important in our families. It's hard not to feel that way when we are successful and making money for our companies etc.
Then we have babies.
No matter how important I feel at work or how many successes I find there or how much money is made by myself or the company, I come home to realize what is truly important.
I walk in the door and am reminded what is the really important work of my life. I must know the names of all my daughters stuffed animals. Lucy (pronounced Mucy), Emily, Charlie and Lola, Summer, Zachary, Dee Dee, Tigger, Elmo, Poo, Sally etc. Believe me when I say there are a lot of them. I must know why my son is crying or whining as he doesn't yet talk, all the while cooking supper and making sure K is not destroying anything. Then I look at N and realize that she has all that and a half a dozen other things going on at once and I realize I am truly outclassed. My wife stays home mostly with the kids except for a couple of days a week. She also holds down a job that ends up being about three quarters time even though we intended for it to be half. Somehow she manages to be a superb mother who is doing the lions share of the work of raising our kids. I do the best I can and feel as though I am definitely hands on with them but I don't kid myself about who has the instincts and training to make sure we are raising two independent thinking, polite,kind and respectful kids.
Humbling.

Down, But not Out

I like to think of myself as at least somewhat tough, but I do have my limits. Apparently 7 hours on the couch in the middle of the night with what feels like a knife being slowly twisted in my back is it. The Limit. Turns out you have to wait another couple hours at the doctor before they realize you need emergency surgery.
I've had kidney stones before. Usually they pass after a few hours of agony and a gallon of water. I only had one that didn't. It was the first one 12 years ago. Then there was this one. It was big enough that it blocked the exit to the bladder and my kidney swelled to about twice it's normal size. The x-ray was cool but I was in no mood for cool. Although the Demerol was working pretty well by then. An hour later I was in surgery. One day of sleeping it off while my awesome wife took care of the kids and me and everything else and I started feeling like normal again.
When I was a young man staring at the anesthesiologist, I used to think that if I didn't wake up then there were worse ways to go. Now I found myself thinking, I hope I make it through. I hope the kids will be OK if I don't. Thank goodness I did. I don't want to miss a single minute of this fatherhood thing.
Now, If my doctor is worth the money he has made off us this year alone, then he will figure out how to make it so N and I never get another one.
This is one thing I pray I won't pass on to the kids.

Favorite Bathtime Moments

I was giving J a bath tonight and he reminded me of one of my all time favorite moments.
I was slowly pouring water from a cup and he was watching inquisitively. Then he reached up to try and grab the stream. I love the look on his face as he tries to figure out why he can't hold it in his hand. I remember K doing the same thing. I love being able to see the wheels turning. And the sheer joy splashing can bring too.
Thanks for reminding me how insanely interesting the world is J and K.