The Sweet Devastation of a look

I recently found this blog while rummaging through some old emails.  What a lovely surprise to be able to look back at some things happening when the kids were little.  There is a a bit of synchronicity to it as well, as something happened last weekend that struck me as something that I needed to write about. 
We were driving to my sister's house for our mother's day event.  We all had our devices out and were jamming to our own music through our headphones when I noticed something.  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my 10 year old, Jack, just sitting there watching me drive.  It was the kind of watching that I catch sometimes where I feel he is looking for cues, or clues, perhaps about how to be a grown man.  Perhaps, just wondering what I am thinking.
 Maybe just looking up to me the way I used to with my own dad.  I remember watching my dad, trying to figure out how a grown up man does things, faces the world, reacts to adversity.  Hoping to be strong and fearless and kind and caring. 
I could feel Jack's love for me in that moment.   I could see his careful study, his admiration, his deep connection to his father.  His yearning for understanding of and guidance through a complex world. 
In that moment as my heart swelled with joy and love and pride, I felt a sense of responsibility.   The one that is always there, now hyper present, confronting me.  I felt the dread and sadness at the realization that I am failing him in a thousand ways every day.  And the hope that those failings are outweighed by the successes. 
All of this in a fleeting moment before I inevitably turn to him, smile and reach out to pat his leg as if to let him know how deeply my feelings run and how mutual is the admiration. 
Son, I hope, as you grow and mature and start to realize that I am a flawed man, that you know I Love you more than you could possibly imagine,  that I did the best I could always and that I never lost sight of the immense responsibility that was gifted to me. 

Things Heard Around the House

I want my Lightning the Queen, dad. J
I'm a little tea pot short and stout here is my sandal here is my spout. J
There's Trek, dad. ( a big green ogre) J
it's Toooow mater. J
hey big daddy the boeuff. K
Buzz Wipe Year.J
The Chick Monks.K

Kids Say the Cutest Things

I have been meaning to blog for awhile now. Time just seems to slip away. K is already getting ready for Kindergarten. We went for a walk around and tomorrow we go again for some kind of orientation. Then they announced that we won't find out if she gets in until the week school starts. She missed the deadline by a whopping 4 days. What do you do with that? Can't make other plans in case she gets in. Who knew school would still s*^k when you are an adult.

lately, my kids have been singing a Nirvana song. It took me awhile to figure out that it was Nirvana, so think of the tune to In Bloom as you read these lyrics. They sing it like this,'here's the song, and you like to sing along, but you know what what it means'. Cracks me up thinking of my little ones rockin out to some major teen angst rock from the 90's.

J and K and I were reading in bed before night time and J looked out the window and said" sun's coming down, daddy". Thought that was cute. He also says that he is " mad with K, dad" "I'm mad with K, dad"

I love it.

The Things They Say and Do

Lately I have been taking the time to really breath in the experience of rocking J at bedtime. I know the time is coming when it will turn into just a tuck in at bedtime. I have been thinking about how little time is left when he can just fit on my lap with his little head on my shoulder as we cuddle just before bedtime. It makes me realize how much I really love it. Sometimes I just take a deep breath through the nose to smell his baby smell that is too quickly turning into a big kid smell.

K went for shots this week. I called to find out how she did. The conversation went something like this. "How'd you do sweetheart?" "Well, daddy, I cried a little. Then I decided to suck on the sucker that the girl gave me. The girl who shot me." What do you say to that? I just smiled.

Yesterday we Skyped grandpa H. The kids were excited and were just trying to think of things to say. K decided to tell a joke. She said "knock knock" " who's there" came the reply. "Bum" Now I'm thinking there is a hiney joke in here somewhere since that is what she calls it. "bum who" from Grandpa. "you're bumming me out grandpa" was the reply. totally caught N and I by surprise. where did she get that from? We busted out laughing and all ended up giggling for a few minutes. Grandpa indicated that he had heard that a time or two from N and we all laughed some more.

I Love That

I love that K thinks there are mashed potatoes inside her french fries.
I love that the price for leaving the house is at least one hug and one kiss from each of my kids.
I love that J literally runs and jumps into my arms with excitement when I come home from work.
I love that K will drop everything she is doing and say "Daddy?" 'yes honey' " I love you"
I love that it breaks my wife's heart to have to take our kids to get shots knowing that shots are a good thing for them.
I love that sometimes the kids will say that 'right now' is their favorite part of the day when I ask while snuggling before bedtime.
I love that my wife knows I think she is awesome, even when we fight about stupid things, like money.
I love that the kids want to snuggle in front of the TV sometimes.
I love the mischievous look J gets in his eyes sometimes.
I love that J thinks anyone in race leathers and a helmet is me.
I love that a kiss fixes most ailments.
I love how it feels on family days.
I love that my wife gets us moving when I would probably stand still.
I love that there is a belief that I can fix anything, despite the fact it's smashed to smithereens.
I love the sense of national pride I feel during the Olympics.
I love that my kids will eat most things, or at least try them.
I love that I have such a great family.

The more things stay the same

Twenty years ago I can remember being at a Grateful Dead concert. I was young, had no responsibilities, was adequately altered and enjoying myself considerably. I remember watching the spinners while listening to Jerry and the boys work their musical magic. I thought, it doesn't get much better than this.

This past weekend I was at home with my kids. We had the tape (yes I still have tapes) of the concert playing. K and J and I were dancing in the living room together. K said " I am your princess daddy". I said " You sure are". She said " you can be my prince" as she grabbed my hands to dance.

Although I have considerably more responsibilities and worries now, I stood there watching them spin to the music for a moment. J loves spinning to music. I thought, Man, it doesn't get any better than this.

Busy Life

K went to grandma's house for the weekend. I always call to say goodnight when she is there. This particular time I happened to be at my friends house and their boy wanted to say hello to K on the phone. I told her that he wanted to talk and here is the response I got.
"Ok daddy, I can talk for just a few minutes. Then I have to finish my painting for the talent show. I can't talk ALL night."
she frequently puts on talent shows for the grandparents when she visits.